2013, for wishes and hopes and dreams


To release myself from emotional toxins

To often search for light and to not giving up when all is fail.i have failed in certain aspects of my life and I constantly fear adulthood..for someone that appears to be strong, god knows how weak i am.

For things that i want (need)  but sadly I have no control of, I

wish for more understanding from the certain people that i care most in this world

for when we yearn for love we often mistaken our self with yearning to be understood. i believe that it is to understand first and then one is able to love.


Till then, god bless..







blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders.


eternal sunshine of the spotless mind is a film about two people who desperately try to erase their own memories about each other. spotless mind is where mind is pure from memories which brings out the eternal happiness (sunshine) state. however as it says here;

“you may forget a past memory but you can’t forget the impulses, instincts and emotions that arose from that past incident”source 

expectantly they both try to escape from having their memories erased instead.

such irony.

[clementine to joel] meet montauk..

The Cinephile Fix


Every couple of years I stumble upon a film that transcends its traditional entertainment purposes and goes for something more divine, ambitious and philosophical. When a film like this comes along, it reassures me that film is indeed the greatest art form of our time. Movies that had that awe-inspiring effect on me include: “Last Year At Marienbad”, “The Exterminating Angel”, “Persona”, “2001: A Space Odyssey”, “Dark City”, “Enter the Void”, “The Thin Red Line”, “Eyes Wide Shut” and “Synecdoche, New York”. I like to call them life-changers.

The first time I watched Michael Gondry’s “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” it felt like a life changer. I remember the night I saw it, too. I couldn’t sleep all night due to perpetual thoughts rushing through my head. I used to experience that during the last minutes of an exam I couldn’t finish on time. That night, I needed more…

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then it fell apart, fell apart

scene one


water dripping from tap in the sink. the female protagonist closes the tap and spit the remains of toothpaste coated with saliva into the sink. she then gargles.


the ceiling fan circling lazily. the female protagonist looks sullenly at the array of her clothing inside the wardrobe and then she looks outside the window.


the female protagonist steadies herself by holding on to the railing above her, in the middle of morning crowd in the subway train. she is being pushed but manages to support herself. she looks forlornly outside the window.

scene two

the sound of the tapping of the pen. the female protagonist is deep in her thought, staring blankly at her laptop while other co-workers are talking near her. a guy is making jokes. the others laugh loudly.

{boss’ room}

a guy (menacing look, good looking, late 40s) comments on her performance. he is not happy with her. they are both unhappy of being put in that situation in the same room. she gives him a blank look. that makes him angrier.

scene three

{inside the female protagonist’s car}

she waits inside her car. at the nice neighbourhood, in the evening. there are the sounds of a flock of birds flying to their nests, kids laughing and parents coming home in their cars. her eyes are fixed on a house across where she parks her car. a guy (identifiable as the boss in the former scene; has the back to the audience) coming out of the car parked at that house. he is greeted by the kids (around 10 and 8 years old; girl and boy). she waits until everyone has gone inside the house.

the female protagonist then comes out of her car. the camera focuses at her feet. then she withdraws an axe from her car and slowly walking towards the house.

(cue extreme ways by moby)




Bucking the Wave

500 Days of Summer, or, Why I Hate the Manic Pixie Dream Girl

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed this movie. We all enjoy these movies; they’re designed to make you feel good, make you believe (however fleetingly) in “love.” I’d watch it again, hell, I might even buy it when it comes out on DVD. But this was the movie that pushed me over the edge in my frustration with the Manic Pixie Dream Girl (MPDG). As coined by Nathan Rabin when reviewing Kirsten Dunst’s character in Elizabethtown, the MPDG is “that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures.” Think Natalie Portman in Garden State, Kate Hudson in Almost Famous, Rachel Bilson in The Last Kiss. These women are always happy and quirky…

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Hell is other people

Things are weird lately. Last time I checked, there are only few shades of grey, next thing I know, there are 50. Women who openly reading that book in public places..urm well, it’s like watching other people watch porn. Interesting, but weird. And disturbing.

Life gives you whatever it wants to throw at you . Deep (places one hand under the chin. urut dagu)

I wonder how people deal with issues in their life. The only time that I am able to really concentrate on thinking is when I’m driving, hence resulting in some near accidents experience. I don’t know, I often find myself lose in thoughts while I’m driving. Sadly the past 2012 and the current 2013 have brought me issues and difficult situations. Sometimes I feel so lost that is similar to being trapped in a deep well with no ladder nor light. Sometimes there are more dramas to that. You know, like the feeling when there is  water underneath your feet…slowly arising and drowning you bit by bit. Have you ever feel the urgency for precious air? This thought makes me sick.

They say  that the city pollutes and corrupts your mind. But little  they know that hell is within your mind.

Shit I need to get these shits together.


confession of a fatty bum bum

at the risk of sounding like an ungrateful beetch, i sometimes struggle to be at peace with myself. don’t others feel that way too?

unless, of course


look at me now, lookkk!!!!


but as perfect as she seems, she’s still a droopy eyed flat chested girl who lives on a trust funds.


whats up? cant see much my eyelid’s dropping zzzzz


look closely, you might see ’em.

ok fine she has a perfume line. and handbags. and TV shows.

same goes to kim and her giant generous backside.


dear leader

not that kim. this kim.


i’m trying to breathe here *sucks tummy in*

who needs talent and hard work?

oh well. this post is pointless. its just it rather sucks to be curvy and not being able to fit in most asian clothings. while at the same time western size M and L are tad loose on me. fml right?